Thursday, January 28, 2016

Something has been on my mind since yesterday. First off let me say...I love my kids to pieces, I would die for them, I wanted nothing more since I was little than to be a mom. But I got to thinking last night as I, yet again, picked things up, checked door locks and checked on all my kids and re-adjusted blankets/kissed little foreheads/cheeks one more time before laying down myself (something I have always done since they were born and I will continue to do until they leave the house), I was struck about how much of what a mother (or primary caregiver) does that goes unnoticed and never gets appreciation for. While these little things like kiss little cheeks, and readjusting covers, loading/starting the dishwasher and picking up the 50 millionth hair tie off the floor for the day will never be remembered because well, everyone is asleep but me...I was thinking how easy it would be to heave a big ole SIGH and say...”man, if I didn’t do these millions of tiny little things...they’d never get done”....or “they’re never grateful for the fact that they HAVE clean dishes and clothes in the morning” or “they never realize or notice that their clothes are organized and their NASTY bathroom sink & mirror are clean”...I came to realize that not only do we put some many expectations on ourselves to be “perfect” but that in the long run they probably WILL look back and be thankful for the goodnight kisses, for the played games, for the clean dishes and clothes...but probably when they are busy doing that all for their OWN kids. I wonder if my mom looked back into her childhood at my age now and thought the same things... As kind of an add in under special needs parenting...I guess maybe sometimes I feel unappreciated because I KNOW my 13 yr old doesn’t possess the cognitive abilities to really wrap her mind around being TRULY grateful for all the the little things. She might never be to that point...and I think that’s why many of us burn out. The everyday constant of DOING everything...constant driving to therapies and specialty appointments, the constant redirection to avoid meltdowns, the constant barrage of negative emotions from a child because you are enforcing rules and routines for THEIR safety and’s hard to remember that they reason they fight against you so hard is because they are secure in the knowledge that YOU LOVE THEM and will never abandon them, they feel free to let down their guard around you, which is why many times we get schools and doctors thinking we are NUTS because “they don’t act that way anywhere else!” Another add from the military aspect. Many times...we honestly just would appreciate some respect. A smile or nod that acknowledges what we do. While our spouses CHOSE this life...WE DID NOT. (yes, I get that if you joined after you married that the decision was probably made jointly-at least I would hope there is that level of communication that the active duty spouse would consult with the other) Many of us married one person, and war or multiple deployments have changed that person. It’s learning to role with the punches, to adapt to a new place every 3-4 years, to supporting that active duty spouse through everything they do. I might not always agree or like a given situation we have to deal with in this military life, but I don’t bail on a marriage or family because the going gets tough either. NO ONE ever promised life would be easy or even fair ANYTIME. I want my spouse to know....I appreciate him and what he does, the fact that he provides for us. I am not perfect. I am not supermom. I don’t “have it altogether”. 9 times out of 10 I am barely holding things together. My ultimate hope is that my kids and husband know and continue to remember that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM. I might be disappointed in their actions and/or how they treated me or reacted to a certain situation (good grief, half the time I am disappointed on how I reacted to a situation) I might be “DONE FOR THE DAY” They might get older and we have a huge fight about something, But I NEVER EVER will stop loving them or being grateful for each moment we have together. **Musings of a sleep and currently coffee deprived person...please do not take personal I said...MY OPINIONS**