Spring Already??

Where did winter go?? I think it only snowed 3 times. Boo. I was hoping for a few more snowfalls before spring was officially here. So much has been going on. Spring break was crazy. Girls went to their first concert, we went to the Kansas City zoo (daddy's first time to see a bunch of the animals)we went mudding in ATV's (where Abby took her 1st spill off one-no injuries thank goodness) Bethany had her 1st 24 hr EEG...it was packed and I am exhausted! Spring has come and with it the many bloomings of trees that are KILLING Emma and my allergies. Emma has had several issues with wheezing...if she's not sounding better by friday, I will make her an appt to get seen. STILL waiting on orders to be released...while part is glad, I know better than to think we can stay here. I am just done with moving. It will be nice to stay put in a place for more than a few months again.

Something has been on my mind since yesterday. First off let me say...I love my kids to pieces, I would die for them, I wanted nothing more since I was little than to be a mom. But I got to thinking last night as I, yet again, picked things up, checked door locks and checked on all my kids and re-adjusted blankets/kissed little foreheads/cheeks one more time before laying down myself (something I have always done since they were born and I will continue to do until they leave the house), I was struck about how much of what a mother (or primary caregiver) does that goes unnoticed and never gets appreciation for. While these little things like kiss little cheeks, and readjusting covers, loading/starting the dishwasher and picking up the 50 millionth hair tie off the floor for the day will never be remembered because well, everyone is asleep but me...I was thinking how easy it would be to heave a big ole SIGH and say...”man, if I didn’t do these millions of tiny little things...they’d never get done”....or “they’re never grateful for the fact that they HAVE clean dishes and clothes in the morning” or “they never realize or notice that their clothes are organized and their NASTY bathroom sink & mirror are clean”...I came to realize that not only do we put some many expectations on ourselves to be “perfect” but that in the long run they probably WILL look back and be thankful for the goodnight kisses, for the played games, for the clean dishes and clothes...but probably when they are busy doing that all for their OWN kids. I wonder if my mom looked back into her childhood at my age now and thought the same things... As kind of an add in under special needs parenting...I guess maybe sometimes I feel unappreciated because I KNOW my 13 yr old doesn’t possess the cognitive abilities to really wrap her mind around being TRULY grateful for all the the little things. She might never be to that point...and I think that’s why many of us burn out. The everyday constant of DOING everything...constant driving to therapies and specialty appointments, the constant redirection to avoid meltdowns, the constant barrage of negative emotions from a child because you are enforcing rules and routines for THEIR safety and benefit...it’s hard to remember that they reason they fight against you so hard is because they are secure in the knowledge that YOU LOVE THEM and will never abandon them, they feel free to let down their guard around you, which is why many times we get schools and doctors thinking we are NUTS because “they don’t act that way anywhere else!” Another add from the military aspect. Many times...we honestly just would appreciate some respect. A smile or nod that acknowledges what we do. While our spouses CHOSE this life...WE DID NOT. (yes, I get that if you joined after you married that the decision was probably made jointly-at least I would hope there is that level of communication that the active duty spouse would consult with the other) Many of us married one person, and war or multiple deployments have changed that person. It’s learning to role with the punches, to adapt to a new place every 3-4 years, to supporting that active duty spouse through everything they do. I might not always agree or like a given situation we have to deal with in this military life, but I don’t bail on a marriage or family because the going gets tough either. NO ONE ever promised life would be easy or even fair ANYTIME. I want my spouse to know....I appreciate him and what he does, the fact that he provides for us. I am not perfect. I am not supermom. I don’t “have it altogether”. 9 times out of 10 I am barely holding things together. My ultimate hope is that my kids and husband know and continue to remember that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM. I might be disappointed in their actions and/or how they treated me or reacted to a certain situation (good grief, half the time I am disappointed on how I reacted to a situation) I might be “DONE FOR THE DAY” They might get older and we have a huge fight about something, But I NEVER EVER will stop loving them or being grateful for each moment we have together. **Musings of a sleep and currently coffee deprived person...please do not take personal offense...as I said...MY OPINIONS**

Brain...where's my brain?

Well, kinda stinks when you haven't blogged in so long that you forget your password...doh! Yet again, it's nearly been a year...I want to get on more...it's just finding the time. Sister's wedding in August was beautiful and she just welcomed her 1st little bundle of joy...Lillian Mae, this past February. :) Emma got her tonsils out in the fall and has been relatively healthy since...shows that we made the right choice. Mommy had emergency gall bladder surgery at thanksgiving...not a fun time. :( Bethany had her adenoids out this spring. Despite a few complications during surgery, ever since they came out, she hasn't had ANY sinus issues anymore and her allergies have improved greatly. OH!! She also DOESN'T SNORE ANYMORE!!!! WOO-HOO!!! Again, same with Emma, a part of the body that was supposed to be helping keep them healthy was just making them sick. Abby's seizures increased greatly this past year, they put her on yet another med (keppra) which while it decreased the seizures gave her horrible "rage" issues. She then had another increase around feb/march which put her on the list for VNS surgery. She had a successful surgery on February 25th and has been seizure free since!! Daddy was medically cleared in March and received a promotion in April!! Girls are finishing up school. Bethany and Emma had their art gallery night and their dance recital today. We are currently getting ready to move and this house is chaos!! Hoping to have more time once we move to get on here more!!

Time Flies!!

I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I have been on here! This past year has brought such hard times, medically, for our family. Emma continued to contract round after round of strep throat, so just this past Tuesday had her tonsils removed. She spiked a fever right after surgery which has given her a hard time since she feels horrible and doesn't want to drink or eat anything. Thankfully TODAY seemed to finally be a turning point for her. We were able to FINALLY cut back on the tylenol and not give it to her round the clock...which we have been having to do since tuesday. She seemed more upbeat and not in as much pain today and played a lot more with her sisters. Up until today, she's been just kinda laying around on the couch. Abby's seizure's have continued to get worse. She had her first grand mal seizure right before Christmas, during her school play, and while she generally can go at least a month between seizures, she has had one every 10 days since the beginning of June. :( I have bee told that the onset of puberty can cause an increase in seizures, but she has yet again had another change this afternoon in seizure type. She's always had complex partials and then grand mals came along in January...today she had her 1st absence seizure. So frustrated with her current neuro who has NO answers and does nothing but raise her seizure meds. We have got a referral in for a second opinion because I am THROUGH with this lady. She treats me like I'm stupid and don't know my own kid. Then to top everything off, my husband has gotten really since this past year. He has had a PICC line in his arm since last October. We are hoping he gets in out in a month because if he doesn't take a PFT soon, he will get passed over for promotion and kicked out of the corps. :( So tired for never having answers for anything. So frustrated. On the plus side, Bethany had a FABULOUS year this year in school. Much better than last year. She has grown so much this year too. All 3 girls are growing like weeds and I can barely keep them in clothes that fit!! We are getting ready to go to my sister's wedding soon... Eek! Hoping the trip goes well. It's 2 days of 9 hrs of driving. Blah...I hate driving long distances. Here's to hoping that THIS school year (Abby's 1st year of middle school) goes well.

Home School Attitude

Seriously, I respect those who can home school their kids. Heck, some of my best friends home school their kids...but I am SO SICK of the attitude that has been cropping up more and more from home school mom's towards mom's that send their kids to public school...like we somehow don't care about our children's education or well being as much as THEY care about THEIR child's. I would LOVE to home school my kids, especially my youngest as she is just blowing through work that is well beyond her age and I think I could do it at home. I think I could even manage to home school 2 out of the 3. However, as much as a struggle as we have had this past year with my special needs daughter who is 10, I don't think I would be able to teach her at home. To get her to differentiate between the 2...it's time for SCHOOL WORK. It's time for stuff not related. She has a hard time transitioning anyway and I think it would really confuse her. I'm just getting sick of the holier than though attitude. While I started to run into it only slightly while up north...it is so BAD here in FL!! Specifically where I live now! Borderline ridiculous! I don't judge others for the choices they make...I'm not them, I don't walk in their shoes...so DON'T YOU DARE judge me or look/talk down to me and act like you're better than me because you home school your kids. SO SO SO sick of it! I swear the next person that does it to me is gonna get slapped across the face...and I'm not the violent type. >:(

I'm really just done with it all. The drama, the back stabbing, the bickering, I'm just done with it all. Lord knows I have enough to deal with in my OWN immediate family...I simply CANNOT deal with it from friends, extended family and others right now. AT ALL. And that might come across as selfish...and maybe it is. But that is being selfish for the well being of my immediate family. Because if I am not at MY best, I can't be at my best for them as a mom and as a person in general. So don't judge me until you have walked a mile....HECK, just walk FIVE MINUTES in my shoes....in the summer time.

Time Flies

It's amazing how fast time can fly. It seems like we just moved in. I keep telling people, "we just moved...wait...no, we got here in July, we've bee here for 10 months now." Nearly a year already!!! The girls have only 1 more month of school. I don't know if they are just DONE already or what, but with the exception of Emma just doing well at her school work b/c she always does...Abby and Bethany are just having SUCH issues! Bethany...it's like she has already mental checked out for the year. But she CAN'T because she still has her writing assessment to do. She might have finished the FCAT and her portfolio already, but it's like she's given up already. And Abby...UGH! I don't know if it is hormones or WHAT but something has GOT to GIVE with that child!! I sooooo at the end of my rope!!! SO FRUSTRATED!!! We have another neuro appt tomorrow because although her EEG and MRI here in Florida have both come back not showing any issues, she is still having seizures...several in a month. So when we called to make the appt, they told us over the phone to up her meds. THAT was a disaster!! It completely altered her personality. She literally could NOT function anywhere....school, therapy, home, church. So I cut her dosage back down to what she was on originally. But in doing that...she is back to having several seizures in a short amount of time. She's had 2 just this past week for sure...one of them waking her up for the 1st time. We NEED ANSWERS!!! I can't go on like this...ABBY can't go on like this. This is badly affecting her behavior and it is directly impacting our entire lives...school, church, home, EVERYWHERE. I'm back to feeling like I am drowning because I have teachers telling me that they don't know what else to do...well guess what????Neither do I!!!! I mean what am I as a mother supposed to do when I have both teachers AND my husband tell me in the SAME day that they don't know what else to do with her??? Well, you can't give up on her!! That's not an option!! I'm so frustrated I could cry! In brighter musings...the girls got Easter pictures done this year and they turned out REALLY good!